the Relationship Support Community! |
Books by the Breakup
Guru | Breakup
Links | Search |
Codependency 101 Home Page
| STOP A BREAKUP | MEND A BROKEN HEART | BECOME A MAN MAGNET | WIN HIS HEART BACK | WHY WOMEN DUMP MEN |
ATTRACTION IS EVERYTHING! How to win back their attraction! | Break free from their spell | Become the women men adore!
| Win Her Back! | The Bastard System - Women Really Do Love Bastards | Hello, Casanova | Cunnilingus Academy |
| How to Get Your Boyfriend Back | How to Get The Attention of a Secret Crush | Breaking Up Advice For Men |
Flip This Breakup (a lighthearted look at breaking up)
Guys, Inc. - A website devoted to advice for the Nice
Codependent, Codependency, and Codependence Articles, Poems, and More!
Issues or Personality Disorders Effect Our
husband was codependent. Although he thought he was doing everything for
me, in reality he was never there for me. Everything was about
Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, provides an
excellent definition of Codependency. She describes it as:
Codependents are the ultimate example of a Persecution Complex description. They always feel victimized, oppressed, and self-sacrificial. Although codependents may feel they give an inordinate amount of responsibility, obligation, and worry for another and mistakenly feel like they are giving, giving, giving, in reality they are actually taking, taking, taking. The only thing a codependent person wants to hear from his unappreciative (of course, this is usually in his imagination) spouse is the words "I feel so guilty about everything you do for me".
However, in reality, codependents do very little for the healthy betterment of their relationships, or the wholeness and completeness of their lives. Whereas they think they are doing for everyone, they are actually doing for themselves. Every time they can feel over-giving and under-appreciated (their main goal), they climb higher up in their Ivory-Tower and feel justified in hugging themselves while they hang from their self-imposed crucifix. Codependents appear to be very poor givers, so wrapped up in their imagined glories and self-sacrifices that they never really, truly give genuine love and care just for the simple reason of giving it and not for the real reason behind why they do give and give. And what is that reason you ask? Codependents give only for two causes and one reason; to cause 'self-pity', and to cause 'manipulation' of those around him, for the reason of being able to embrace, nurture, and love themselves, and to feel safe and secure..
Although there are many, many books out there that attempt to explain the motives of codependent people, I have never found one that actually describes the reason behind what they do to my satisfaction! Sooooo, let me explain my theory (shut up and bear with me here!)... :)
As pack animals we are all somewhat
codependent. But when codependency becomes the overriding force in a person's
life they begin to do the exact opposite of what they honestly believe their
goal is. Where most codependents think they are sacrificing themselves for
everyone around them, what they are actually doing is distancing themselves
and emotionally withdrawing from those around them, so coccooned they are
in themselves and their own feelings of injustice. To contradict a lot of
codependent books I am going to go out on a limb here and give my analysis
of codependency: A codependent personalthough it may appear that
they are over-conscious and over-aware of othersin reality are only
conscious of their own role in other's lives and not with the
actual other person themselves. They only need to pre-occupy themselves with
other's emotional well-being and feelings to see what their own status
is to that other person, and how they fit in that person's life. Although
the experts seem to claim that a codependent person is overly involved
in other's moods, feelings, and emotional being, they actually are more astute
to another's moods, feelings, and emotions only when it directly
relates back to themselves so that they may analyze the role they play
in that person's life. Many codependents have an intense need for acceptance
and validation of who they are. They can be more selfish and
self-involved then fiercely independent people are, as they are so engrossed
in the role they play in other people's lives that they become obsessed with
others' moods and well-being only as it relates to
Thus, codependents become 'emotionally unavailable' or 'uncaring' to others, unless it is for the selfish reason of improving their own role in that person's life. Everything they do they do to pity themselves or to applaud themselves...nothing is done out of voluntary loving or freely given for the mere fact of truly caring for another. NOTHING! Everything that a codependent person does is done to further establish their self-pitying thoughts of 'overdoing' and of being taken advantage of and for granted, "I am so unappreciated around here, they treat me like their slave...", or their self-worshipping thoughts that they are perfect and well-respected for the 'good' or 'right things' that they do unto others. "I am a great person, see how I saved the day!" These thoughts are based on the fact that because they are overly concerned with the role they play in other's lives that they become more acutely aware of how others do or do not acknowledge what they do.
Basically, the codependents motives are all about gaining self-pity or gaining self-respect enough so that they can feel safe and comfortable enough to embrace their own inner soul and give much needed self-love to themselves. Just below the surface of every codependent is a lost and rejected child that doesn't feel that who they are themselves is worthy of love.
A codependent is so caught up in their
own little "I am a self-sacrificing hero" fantasy that they have no idea
that they have no real identity of their own, and are actually (and ironically)
never really fully available to another (although they believe just
the opposite). Codependents spend an inordinate amount of time hugging themselves
and finding new ways to feel like they are abandoned and unappreciated, or
acclaimed and heralded. They spend an elaborate amount of time planning ways
to feel more damaged and martyred (so they can heroize themselves),
and to do this they must worry more about making everyone but himself
happy. They must be self-sacrificial. Although they feel that they are
over-giving and over-doing, they actually do very little real emotional
loving, or make themselves truly available to the people in their life. (It
is hard to be there for somebody in an honest and genuine sense, when you
are being bitter and indignant about the fact that you are there for
them.) You can never love a codependent person enough, for they will not
feel your love, they will only feel all the drummed up sacrifices they have
done for others. A codependent person will not hear, "thank you, I appreciate
that" but will seek out and concentrate his focus on all the
non-acknowledged things that he does do, whereas most non-codependents
will hear the "thank you" and not really get to worried over the fact that
occasionally someone didn't acknowledge something they did for them. A
codependent person very rarely recognizes genuine acts of true love and caring
from their spouses, but rather is hypervigilant to their spouses negativities
or requests (which the codependent person takes to mean 'more demands' on,
and 'belittlement' of, them).
The simple fact is, the codependent person is an unavailable partner. He becomes this way in three respects:
On the flipside of that, when the wife is codependent she spends an excessive amount of time feeling like her actions aren't appreciated, that she is unnoticed and unacknowledged, and that she is sacrificing herself for her husband and family and not being appreciated or acknowledged for it in return. When she feels she is not getting the appreciation at home that she feels she deserves, she becomes more vulnerable to an affair. She may mistakenly believe that only another lover will understand her and appreciate her and all that she does. You can spend years trying to make a codependent person feel appreciated and loved. However, it's like filling a bucket with holes in the bottom. Codependents have this empty hole that only they can fill up. Sometimes you may be able to get it a quarter full, or even halfway full, but no matter how much you put in this bucket, it keeps falling right out the bottom.
To sum it up, a codependent person unknowingly pushes their spouse into the arms of another, AND a codependent person, themselves, will willingly rush into the arms of another when they feel lonely, unappreciated, and not respected in their home life.
by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru
"A funny thing about codependency is that when you are so focused on another they become focused on themselves, too."~Tigress Luv
"For crissake, please get down off that crosssomeone might need the wood!"
For more help recovering from a Codependency-Breakup read the book How to Get Over a Breakup
Recover from the pain of heartbreak. You can feel better - today!
Save your relationship and stop your breakup, separation, or divorce. Simple tricks to getting your partner back.
Please Visit Our Sponsors
The Breakup Guru
Borderland Blues Gay & Lesbian
AS SEEN ON SOCIETYSURF.COM - YOUR RELATIONSHIP WEBSITE COMMUNITY & DIRECTORY!
2009 Lifted Hearts
Network. All Rights Reserved - Codependency 101 dot com is a subsidiary of
the Lifted Hearts Network
Stop a Break Up and Get Him or Her, Girlfriend or Boyfriend, Back and Mend or Get over a Breakup and Broken Relationship
Questions? MsTigressLuv at aol.com
Break Up Quotes | Commitmentphobia
The Rich Bitch Forum - for successful women webpreneurs | Free Debt Consolidation Counseling | Win Back Your Ex
get over a breakup
how to win an ex back
Copyright Tigress Luv and The Lifted Hearts Network All Rights Reserved