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Getting To Commitment Mr. Steven Carter's great insights into relationship dynamics are presented here in an easy-to-understand language, and without overdoing the psychological perspectives. Many commitment questions are answered here in this book. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment issues or involved with someone who is.

He's Scared, She's Scared Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.

Men Who Can't Love This book saved me from going crazy and from wasting any more of my precious time with a man who is a consumate commitmentphobic. I got this book after a therapist friend of mine said that all my complaining and moaning about my commitmentphobic boyfriend sounded just like the people in this book she'd read - "Men Who Can't Love". I got on line and nabbed a copy. What a life saver! My jaw dropped as I read this book because it describes the behaviors of commitmentphobics precisely as I have been experiencing my boyfriend's behavior. It's so true that the more I pressed him for answers while trying to understand his avoidant behaviors, the more he withdrew from me. "I don't wanna talk about it" is his mantra. All his behaviors were laid out like his biography in this book. It was shocking and revealing at the same time.

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality This is a great book for an inside look at Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have a person with BPD in life this book is a must have. If you have BPD it will help you understand that some of your behaviors that seem unusual to other are understandable and can be explained and treated.

Codependent, Codependency, and Codependence Articles

Codependency
By Linda M. Smith

What is codependency I am often asked. After years of being asked this question, I now simply reply, “Codependency is ‘Loss of Self’.” In addition, I further add, “anything that contributes to your loss of self is codependency." It is as simple as that!

Many years ago at one of my first lectures on codependency, I heard a well-known speaker say, “Codependency kills.” I sat in the audience and thought, “what is she talking about, of course it can’t kill you, how can you die from codependency?” However, over the last several years, I have come to believe that statement “Codependency kills” and, everyday I believe it more.

Loss of self occurs when I need your approval and lose the opportunity to think my thoughts and to feel my feelings. I start to live the external life instead of the internal life. I become outer-directed and not inner-directed and over time the space inside becomes less and less. I feel less than and my self-esteem is diminished. I look to you to define me, to direct me, to approve of me, to fix me and, lose more and more of me until I feel empty. What develops is the false self and that is codependency. When I focus on getting your approval, I lose approval of self, which is the power that self-esteem gives me. In losing my power, I lose me. I lose my voice. I lose me.

Loss of self occurs when I am focused on fixing, helping, understanding, caretaking you and not on caring about me. For me to not lose self I need to care about you not for you. My job is to care about me. I need to feel with you not for you. You are responsible for feeling your own feelings not me. I need to be responsible to you as my parent, spouse, child, or friend, not be responsible for you. I am responsible for me and to you and, you are responsible for you and to me. If we can do this in relationship than both of us have the opportunity to mature and to develop a sense of self.

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Loss of self occurs when I say “no” when I mean, “yes” and when I say, “yes” when I mean “no.” Of course, this sounds confusing and the codependent often does feel confused, indecisive, and rattled. One can understand why! It is a lifetime of guessing what somebody else needs and wants and over time, the codependent forgets who he or she is. The sense of self is not developed. The individual does learn what he or she needs, wants, feels and the struggle of discovery is absent. Gradually, initially however, bit by bit, little by little, year by year, the erosion occurs. It is not even the erosion; instead, it is the not building of self, so a double loss is occurring. You miss the journey. Giving out and not putting in is a bad investment whether it is about finances or relationships.

Loss of self is learned helplessness. Reinforced codependent behaviors do not serve me well, nor do they serve others well. Codependent relationship dynamics create and foster dependency for both individuals. It is a no-win dynamic. It is not about individual or relationship building. I cannot give up me and think there can be a we. An “I” is needed for a “We” to exist.

Loss of self creates a victim mentality. A victim who cannot see how he or she has built his or her own prison. Denial, anger, shame, guilt, passivity, fear, and sadness and oftentimes depression, are the bars of this prison. The wounded child and critical parent are present and the adult ego state has yet to be built.

Loss of self affects the family members and friends of the codependent. Oftentimes, the codependent moves from one crisis to the next and others suffer. Denial is a core symptom for the loss of self. Codependent thinking is if I do not see it, acknowledge it, believe it, then it does not exist.

Are you codependent? Do you have loss of self?
Do I care for you instead of about you?
Do I own responsibility for you and not to you?
Do I need your approval and do not know my own mind?
Do I think for you and do not know my own thoughts?
Do I have appropriate emotional boundaries with you?
Do I practice emotional detachment with you?
Do I feel and act like a victim in relationships?
Do I have low self-esteem?
Do I repress feelings and have a wall of denial around me and in my relationships?

Codependency is real. It exists within self and within relationships. Loss of self occurs as we have just described and it is destructive to self and to others. A closing thought is when there is not enough of me for me, surely there cannot be enough of me to share with you. Codependency kills. Codependency is loss of self. If after reading this article, you see yourself as codependent then reach out for help.

Linda M. Smith, PhD, LMFT

Linda M. Smith, PhD, LMFT is a psychotherapist.

The Girls' Guide to Surviving a Break-Up The essential female companion from the first moment he walks out of your life! The Girls' Guide to Surviving a Break-Up offers step-by-step advice for getting over him.

The Hell with Love: Poems to Mend a Broken Heart Finally a book of poetry that describes every emotion you go through when you are in love and heart broken. This book is amazing and wonderful. I recommend it to who ever loves poetry and ever had a broken heart.

He's Just Not That Into You (The Newly Expanded Edition): The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys It seems like everywhere you turn the phrase "He's just not that into you" is being thrown around. And for good reason! The ladies are finally done waiting by the phone - hey, why sit at home for the phone to ring when it's so obvious that he's just not that into you?

Women Men Love, Women Men Leave: What Makes Men Want to Commit? In easy psychological terms, this book helps a woman understand why a man may react negatively to her even when she feels she's doing everything right for a relationship. With different female personalities portrayed, the reader will find themselves fitting one or more of the profiles.

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